Ramblings of teh Ammer

A 19-year-old newlywed college student who works in the wonderful world of daycare rambles about things important to her that may or may not interest you.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Birth Control Can Make You Crazy? Thanks For Telling Me, Doc!

Oh, how could the adventures of my life get any more interesting than they have been the past week. This past week alone has been full of so many ups and downs it makes the world's fastest rollercoaster feel like a pansy ass bitch.

Basically, on October 12 when I had the world's fastest gynocological visit, it was decided I would go on birth control. What my doctor failed to tell me in the 5 minutes in my presence was, "Oh yeah, these pills can cause or exacerbate the symptoms of depression." Ya know, that's a good thing to tell someone with a family history of depression!

I was against taking them from the beginning, anyway. It was basically one of those things I did to appease my husband who said he just wanted to see what it did for me hormone wise and regulating my period wise, as I have only had 5 periods this year, 3 since we've been married. Let me tell you what these pills did for me. They made me CRAZY!

I started taking them last Sunday. I was fine up until Wednesday. On Wednesday, it's like all this crap finally snapped. Some drama I inadvertently started at work came to it's climax, which lead to me leaving work in hysterical tears and not going back that day. I cried hysterically all night, about every 5 minutes. Not even my mom could calm me down, which has never happened before. So, that was a long, rough night for the husband and I. Thursday I went in and quit my job, and I came out of that meeting with my boss feeling terribly guilty and like I was the world's most horrible person. I came home fully intending to kill myself. If I hadn't of sent my husband a text message, he wouldn't have come home, and I would not be here.

Thursday I got as low as I could go. I spent hours in a semi-catatonic state. When I snapped out of that, I called my mom. She told me that the pills were what was most likely causing me to feel like that, exacerbating my symptoms of depression, and that I needed to go to the doctor. So, I went to the doctor yesterday. He took me off the evil pills of doom and put me on an anti-depressant that also treats general anxiety disorder (which I also have).

I feel a lot better today. Finally getting help after 4 years of suffering on and off with depression is the best feeling of relief. I got help. I'm not alone. I am going to get better.

Friday, October 15, 2004

I hate my job

My job sucks. It sucks huge old man donkey-type balls. It makes me depressed and angry and want to cry all at the same time.

Must find a new job so I can quit this miserable one. And so I can go 10 minutes without wanting to cry because I feel like a worthless idiot of a human who can't take care of babies.

My husband needs to get rich so that I don't have to work. I want to be a stay at home type person.

Dear God, I am pathetic and useless. I should just curl up and die.

*this has been a moment of self-pity. The above is in no way a true reflection of how Amber truly feels about herself most days.*

Thursday, September 30, 2004


I might be pregnant. Again.

I had a miscarriage in July. Worst, most awful experience of my life. I spent weeks crying and sleeping and not eating. The only real life person who knows other than my doctor is my husband.

This causes me to be terrified this time. I don't want to even take a pregnancy test. I don't want to make it real in my mind because if I do then if something bad happens... I don't want to have to suffer like that again.

Oh the joys of being married and having unprotected sex.

I go to the reproductive system checking out doctor Oct. 12, so I'll find out then.

My sister found out today that she's having a boy. She is due March 7. I'll be flying home around that time so I can be there for her and such. Woo!

Meh, I'm done.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I got a job!

About 20 minutes ago I got a call from a friend of mine that is the assistant director at the daycare I used to work at. She offered me a job, starting tomorrow at 9. I'll be working in the infant room. I GET TO PLAY WITH BABIES ALL DAY!

I'm excited about this. I'll have a set work schedule that I can plan school around. I get to work with a friend. I get to walk to work again instead of having to drive 30 minutes both ways. It's a beautiful thing.

In other news, my husband and I have been married 7 months today. It's odd thinking back about how much I've changed over the past 7 months. I'm not completely different, but the changes in me are noticeable. It's also wonderful seeing how much stronger the relationship I have with my husband is. He's an amazing person, and I would not trade what we have together for all the hot musician men in the world (not even Sean Watkins). I love you, Bryan!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

But it's Saturday!

There is one thing I hate about school right now. I have to get up and go on Saturdays. Had I been psychic and known I was going to get fired, I would never have dropped my Tuesday/Thursday class and not taken this Saturday class, because no one should have to get up before 10 on Saturday, no one. As I was working 9-5 Monday-Friday at the time I registered, though, I had two classes I could feasibly make it to and a third I was going to try and see if I could make it to. One is Monday from 6-8:40, the other was Tuesday/Thursday from 5:30 to 6:45, and then there is my Saturday class from 9-11:40.

Anyway, I've decided not to go today. I've got a presentation in there next week, and this week we're having a guest speaker and I don't care to go. I might regret this decision come test time, but I doubt it. I mean, it's Saturday!

Friday, September 24, 2004

Oh the joys of being a moderator

Last month, I was made a moderator at .info. For any of you who happen to be members there and stumble upon this, well... I like most of you. Some of you, however, should be banned from the internet for wasting bandwidth and taking up server space with your pointless crap. Should I ever meet you, I will uncerimoniously spork out your eyes and use them as hood ornaments. Anyway, back to the original point of this post.

Basically, being a moderator of this forum has helped me realize just how much I dislike airheaded, annoying people who parrot the media and their parents. Sure, I was most likely like that about, oh, 6 years ago, but that doesn't stop me from being a judgemental, cynical bitch about it now. You'd be surprised how much time these girls waste making stupid, pointless, annoying posts and threads even after some pretty easy to follow and self-explanatory rules have been posted for everyone to see. You'd also be surprised about how disrespectful they can be about following these rules and how much they hate the moderators who try to make them follow them.

For example:
This week the shit hit the fan with this one girl who'd been bothering the ever living hell out of 99.9% of the members. See this thread for details of said shit hitting said fan. Anyway, she had been repeatedly warned about various things, such as her signature picture being too large and her posts being an insult to humanities advancements since the pre-historic period, but she never heeded the warnings, she mostly just shrugged them off and went on her merry way making me lose faith in the world of tomorrow. But, that thread got her banned, thank the Lord Most High In Heaven (which reminds me about explaining the religion thing). Turns out she was trying to overthrow myself and the other moderator. Now that would have been an interesting battle...

So, to all other moderators of forums on various subjects that happen to interest teenage girls that make stupid annoying posts, I salute you!

Here we go

Well, I suppose we should start off with the customary introductory post.

I'm Amber. I'm 19 years old. I'm originally from the South (and yes, I capitalize it just like every good Southerner does), but am currently living in the Midwest. Why would one leave the beautiful weather and natural beauty of the South? Why, for love. My husband Bryan and I were married February 28, 2004. We're only 7 months into this thing. If no one has ever warned you engaged or 2 weeks married people, the first year sucks. Yes, it absolutely blows. Once you accept this, the easier it will become to just let things roll.

Another interesting tidbit about my life thus far: My husband is 11 years older than me, and we met on the internet. Not on one of those dating service sites, but the ever wonderful nickelcreek.info. I was 17 when I met him. Naturally, my parents flipped out when they found out about him on the night of my high school graduation. Always a great thing to spice up a day that should be one of the best and most memerable of you life by telling your parents about the 29 year old you're in love with that you've never met. Anyway, since I don't really want to rehash all the details right this second, I defied my parents until they gave in after I turned 18, met my husband face to face in August 2003 (and I'm very lucky he wasn't a weirdo), ran off with him for a month up here, got engaged at the end of August, and spent time traveling back and forth until we were married in February and I moved up here for good.

So, let's see. This journal picks up at a point in my life where I'm really not sure what I'm doing. I was fired from my job as a nanny on Tuesday, as I wasn't a good enough housekeeper for them (everyone feel free to explain that one to me), so I'm kind of at a crossroads as far as what to do until I get my degree and can get on with being an underappreciated, underpaid member of the teaching community already. Of course, that will not be until 2014 or some other far off year because I'm only a part time student.

I'm also trying to deal with the roughness of the first year of marriage and the longing I already have to start a family. Obviously, my husband feels differently on that, but I'm sure I'll get into that in another post.

Well, this is how it begins.